What are the pillars of resilience for raising sensitive kids? They are the same for all kids because what is good for the highly sensitive is good for all.
In this masterclass, Alane will teach her 10 Pillars of Resilience for Raising Sensitive Youth. They are remarkably familiar and simple, and you can never start too early, but tomorrow is too late. Today is the day to implement resilience in your kids.
Research shows that as many as a quarter of Americans may qualify for an actual diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder, and that has parents worried.
Is it instinct or culture that tells today's parents to take care of things for their children? Especially with regard to the 20-30% of kids who have a more finely tuned nervous system, the highly sensitive ones. Life is challenging for our sensitive children and teens, so naturally parents want to protect and shelter them.
Are we serving our sensitive or anxious children when we are so very careful not to upset them? Where should we draw a line in the sand? One parent says "straighten up and fly right!" and the other parent protects that same child, making sure the world doesn't overwhelm them...WHO IS RIGHT?
Parents underestimate their teens’ stress level as compared to youth self report, and tweens are proving themselves to be less effective at navigating the world than any other point in history. How do we support the strengths of highly sensitive youth while also honoring their challenges?
Resilient youth learn to take the lead in their lives. Parenting strategies for supporting resilience might surprise you. Move over "Gift of Failure" and make room for noticing and honoring truth while also fostering brave space for the challenging times.
"Resilience – capacities and inner resources to cope quickly and effectively with any crisis or distress - is always needed. We lose our car keys and our wallet. We discover mold in the bathroom. Our dearest friend moves across the country. Our dearest friend gets a diagnosis of lung cancer.
Especially in times of rapid change and uncertainty, skills of resilience are needed more than ever. We need to learn the strategies and deepen the underlying practices that allow us to cope with any disappointment, any difficulty, and any disaster. And to learn that we can." - Linda Graham, MFT
Questions answered during the masterclass:
1. My sensitive son (9 years old) has begun saying, "God has cursed me!" when something goes wrong. It's more than just words - he can articulate a thorough argument for his perspective and he feels it deep in his bones. I try to allow the feelings for as long as he needs and I eventually will talk about choosing how we see our circumstances. We talk about good things in his life and even just neutral things to help curb all the terrible things - terrible in his eyes, anyway. I also try to normalize his feelings and point out that they are very common. (We recently watched ‘Evan Almighty’ together which I think helped him find a little glimmer of levity in all this.) I'd love your suggestions on how to help him with this intense outlook on life while nurturing his resilience along the way.
2. I did not have an adult growing up that I trusted. Therefore, I did not learn to work through difficult issues that come up daily. Instead I held it all in. In which case all the things that upset me, scared me, confused me never got dealt with. The weight of it all transformed into anxiety and depression. I think we build resilience by having people that we can trust and are consistent to help us work through the tuff stuff. Sometimes talking is just a part of working through things. I had a therapist once who suggested buying a hunk of pottery clay and a mallet and pound the heck out of it to release anger. I did that, and I took a hunk of it and my hands took over and it transformed it into a chicken, and I felt very proud of it. So you see anger transformed into art. And with that I became more resilient knowing I didn’t have to hang onto my anger that weighs me down. It’s about building a bag of tools we can rely on.
3. My 13 year old son feels frozen, as in fight, flight, or freeze. When anything that seems small to us, his parents, challenges him, he gets stuck. He literally can’t act. It doesn’t seem like resilience to me. What did we do wrong? How can we help him? For context, my husband and I got divorced about a year ago and I wonder if that might have made things worse, but truly, this issue was there before. Like the boy in Q#1, my son feels that there is something seriously wrong with him. He is frustrated, worried, and sad.
4. My 8 yo HSC continues to have a lot of negative self talk when he is reminded about things (for example, ‘please lift up the toilet seat’) or asked to do something differently. He says, ‘I’m so stupid, I am the worst’ and he’ll sometimes hit his head with his hands. I have tried a sort of Socratic method of asking some questions and then saying that I would like to please share how I feel differently when he’s ready and then share that I don’t think he’s stupid, he’s learning just like all of us and we all need reminders sometimes, etc. His reactions are very triggering to me and I have a hard time seeing him be so hard on himself.
5. I struggle to balance supporting my kids with tasks and reminders and letting them struggle on their own. Like picking up my 13 yr old daughter with a heavy softball bag instead of letting her take the bus and figure it out. Or helping my 10 yr old son with ADHD in the morning with reminders (even though he does most of the stuff quickly after I do), or buying my 13 yo clothes instead of having her save up for them. Where is the line between enabling and supporting?