Do you remember a time in your childhood when you had a little antsy feeling of impending fear? I’m not talking about the big fears… we all had those as well, of course, and they count, but…

I’m talking about those times when the pressure started building and you felt it in your mind or body. Maybe you had a little worry, or a tummy ache, or you heated up a bit in your face, or you just knew you wanted to turn around and go somewhere safer.

Those first signals of trouble were your brain activating its subtle noticing and strong emotional reaction to keep you safe. In terms of your evolutionary task, you were supposed to alert those around you to potential trouble, and they were supposed to pay attention and guide the clan to take a different course of action. IMAGINE!

Parents and HSPs tell me stories all the time of when they were those sensitive youth or when their own sensitive children get trapped in a pressure cooker loop. It can look so many ways, and here are a few examples:

• Starting a new school, especially at big developmental moments: Kindergarten, middle school, high school, university. A fast acceleration from anticipation to excitement to worry to anxiety, and at times, all the way to panic.
• Trick or treating, costumes, and all things Halloween (since we are in October.)
• Refusing or feeling worried about eating specific foods or textures
• Going into the ocean.
• Leaving the house in the morning.

QUESTIONS:

1. I'd love it if you could talk about performance anxiety in HSP youth in situations where time pressure can’t be avoided.  My high schooler gets performance anxiety for many things, from giving a speech in front of her class to introducing herself in front of a new group of people (the classic go around the circle and say your name, where you are from, what brought you here, etc.).   It seems like she has the hardest time when she feels put on the spot (and that can't be avoided because that's part of the design of the assignment or the situation), is herself (rather than playing a character), and feels pressured to know "facts" (versus just sharing her personal experience).  I know she's really hard on and has very high expectations of herself, really values what others think, and wants to appear smart - partially because she's really struggled to find her “in group” and wants to be liked.  I've also struggled with this throughout my life and while the physical symptoms (heart thumping, thoughts racing, dry throat, dissociating, etc.) haven't gone away, my relationship to the hyperarousal has slowly changed. It's taken a lifetime of ongoing work, and I'm hoping it will be easier for her! I am trying to hold space for her feelings while talking through some of her thoughts when she's had some distance from the situation.  I'd love to hear any of your thoughts or tips for my teenage daughter around performance anxiety when there’s time pressure. 
2. I am still finding with my eight year old that after school is a hard time (he’s tired and sometimes overstimulated) and I have a commute to take my son to a school with smaller class size and more support...anybody with experience?
3. Fear around doing new things, including talking to other kids or teachers for my 13 year old daughter. Around teachers and coaches she shuts down when they are talking to her (sometimes because she’s feeling shame or anger), but also struggles to talk to them. My son struggles with fear of any big change, like new teachers, when we talk about possibly moving or going to a private school (he’s not being challenged in public.) I had a severe fear of other kids making fun of me when I was in school and didn’t talk much because of it. I also still struggle with talking to new people that I don’t know already, and it stops me from meeting people.
4. My 10 year old daughter wrote out a list of fears. She started the biggest worries, put a circle by the common worries and then a line by the rare worries. Here is the list: biggest worries: getting sick, mom dying, being away from mom, not knowing what’s coming next, going to school. Common worries: the future, being alone, getting yelled at or people mad at me, mean people. Rare worries- scary stuff, death. I’d love some help reframing these as I work through this with her.
5. The War. What should we be telling our kids? Could you speak to the different ages. What if, like me, we are a Jewish family, or an Arab family, since these are two groups who seem to be being targeted, according to the news and my own congregation.
6. I often feel guilt that by the end of the day I’m tired and it’s sometimes hard at bedtime to be there for my son as long as he might need me to listen etc.
7. I struggle with the right amount of ‘pressure’ for my 9 year old HSC son. On the one hand, the kid is pretty much self-sufficient. He doesn't have to be told to do his homework or brush his teeth and if I stopped making meals for him he'd probably just do it himself. But I worry I don't challenge him enough. I am trying so hard not to pressure him to do things he doesn't want to do in the name of autonomy and self-determination (I highly resonate with the philosophy in the book The Self-Driven Child) that I worry I am not helping to challenge him (but I can also convince myself that he puts so much pressure on himself that I don’t need to add any more!). If I do try to apply the slightest pressure, he resists. Although, he has recently come around to doing some things on his own that I once tried to push for but gave up on (like making friends in his class.) I appreciate any thoughts/ideas around this! 
8. Perhaps this is not a big enough fear/pressure example but I will put it here anyway - my eight year-old HS son is having challenges with reading. He receives and has received quite a bit of one-to-one, individualized support at school but most recently recounted a story about feeling pressured to read (or he wouldn’t get to move on to the next activity).  I could tell he was upset by the encounter but did not get many more details as is more frequently the case - he often says doesn’t really want to talk about it.  I spoke to the teacher about it and she recounted surprise at how quickly he went from reading a few pages to tears and upset after reading nearly this whole book before.  He claimed he was ‘so tired!’.  He is resistant to reading at home with my husband and me and it seems more and more that there is just ‘something’ getting in the way.  I have really struggled with how much to push him, what is the right amount of pressure to nudge him to practice, when it seems that he will demonstrate phonetic understanding one day/time but then a next time will say he doesn’t recognize a common site work and seem like he’s guessing. We talk about doing things that challenge us, practicing, I ask what might make this easier or more comfortable for him… I think it is time for some more specialized testing than the school has been able to offer (I have mentioned stealth dyslexia, etc.)  Of course, as an HS parent, I am wondering what that whole process would be like since he is already demonstrating overwhelm when being put on the spot to read at school…thank you for any thoughts you might have!