Tantrums, anxiety, school refusal, demanding, whining, defiance, shyness… All of these are preventable. They are not your child’s birthright, nor do they need to be how they interact with the world…EVEN TODDLERS & TEENS can be free of these struggles.

RESPONSIBILITY: Parents have the responsibility to teach their children (and teens) emotional leadership, collaboration, and calm. Kids learn responsibility to the family, including working with adults, caring for siblings and pets, noticing and taking on tasks in the household, school, and community. Sounds like a dream, but the tools create it.

RESPECT: Parents model respect in relationship to each other, the children, elders, family, community members, and even strangers. Kids–Everyone wants kids to show respect. It’s not as complex as you might think. The tools help, but the first tool is modeling.

RESILIENCE: Parents, you are more resilient than you feel, especially if you are highly sensitive–See it. Believe it. Be it. We worry the kids won’t be resilient enough. Sensitive kids are the most resilient, but they don’t always look that way. The tools build resilience.

Join our Are You Highly Sensitive masterclass on the FIVE TOOLS. Based on the wonderful work of NPR reporter, overwhelmed parent, and author, Michaeleen Doucleff, and her brilliant book full of research and tools: HUNT, GATHER, PARENT (get the book here.)

Alane Freund, family therapist and sensitivity consultant brought her 35 years of experience to the conversation. Together we will reframe childhood and transform the lives of the kids we know.

Questions asked:

1. My older child is our highly sensitive child (7 yo girl) and has similar emotional maturity to my 5 yo girl. She often acts aggressive, demanding, demeaning, competitive and unwilling to share with her younger sister. We do not have family around where she can interact with older kids and learn from them. We try to model helping, sharing, listening, compassion and healthy boundaries. She shuts down if we bring it up or call attention to how she is acting. After reading the book I am still at a loss of how to cultivate the opposite, especially looking out for and assisting her younger sister with tasks. Any strategies to use with her would be helpful.
2.  I believe both of my sons are highly sensitive as well as myself. My older son, 10 years old, is more aggressive and stubborn and gets ticked off right away. He is healing from domestic child abuse, and yes, he has every right to be angry and healing is a journey --even more so for a child. He is in therapy and plays a few activities within and outside of school. We just moved into a new community about year ago, and he changed schools as well. Lots of change. Am I doing all I can for him?? Any advice on child abuse trauma or am I ruminating more than what I need to be? Maybe I need the tips on how to let go and trust that I am doing everything I can and he will be okay??
3. My second son 5 years old seems to be more highly sensitive than my older one and often feels like when someone is angry or upset he needs to help or make the person happy, is this normal, I just don't want him to believe that it's his responsibility to take on everyone's emotions and to please everyone. I know HSPs are healers but as an adult HSP and knowing all this now how can I prepare/guide my little HSPs?
4. My older son (10) is not an HSP - he’s always been very self-assured, confident, and willing to try new things. As an HSP mom, this has been a blessing to me because the first day of school drop off has always been easy. Weekends staying at Grandparents are no sweat. My 2 year old, however, is different.  He wants “mom” more during situations like the above. I am worried about some of those “firsts” with him .. first day of school, first sleepover, etc.  How do I help protect my own heart from being upset when he is upset during these times?  I want to make these moments the easiest and smoothest they can be for him AND ME!
5. On the topic of not overwhelming children with questions and directions…I’m curious about (and will read the book soon!) the author’s thoughts on morning routine and helping them get done what needs to be done without reminding or feeling like you’re nagging!  I want to build capacity but it feels like other tools haven’t really been working. (8 year old child)
6. My eight year old son keeps asking for an allowance and I am giving thought on how to proceed. He tells many stories of how much other friends are getting and while I do not know the full truth of everything, I am feeling like he’s ready for something. He’s done some paid work for neighbors but now has stepped back from wanting to do that. Any thoughts are appreciated!